The Stories we Tell Ourselves
We tell ourselves stories—all the time.
We have ongoing narratives in our heads that cover just about everything—from specific situations, other people, and the world around us, to our own capabilities, worth, possibilities, preferences, and bodies.
Our stories are always creating something in our lives, operating like a lens we look through. A lens shapes and colors the way we see things. Our narratives, likewise, shape and color our view. And that view—how you see a person, issue, or situation largely determines how you interact with her or it. If you believe that life is hard, shit happens, and people are only out for themselves, you’ll behave differently and experience life differently than if you think instead that magic happens or people are fundamentally compassionate and generous. If you believe someone doesn’t deserve a seat at the table, you’ll probably ignore their perspective. If your story—your lens—is that someone is flakey, or rigid, or manipulative, you’ll be less open to their ideas. If you believe someone is brilliant, you’ll listen carefully. And if you are telling yourself they’re well intentioned, you’ll hear good intentions behind their words.
So a powerful question to ask is, “What narratives are we believing, how is that shaping our view, and what is that view creating?” In other words, what kind of experience and impact are we creating with the narratives we hold, and how can we choose these narratives more consciously?
Four “R’s” of choosing empowering narratives…
Recognize.
Begin with becoming aware of your stories. This is not as simple as it sounds because the narratives in our heads are mostly subconscious—unless we intentionally bring them into conscious awareness. Becoming aware of your stories is a process of learning to listen to your thoughts. This is a powerful and appropriate use of your mind—to observe your own thoughts—to bring the subconscious into the conscious.
Reflect.
As you observe your thoughts, practice assessing their accuracy and their impact. This also is not as easy as it might sound because almost all of the stories in our heads have some truth to them. And we usually can find ample evidence to back them up—even subconsciously looking for evidence to back up what we already believe. So it’s wise to ask yourself, how true is this narrative? How useful is it? Does my story empower me in life, or in a particular situation? Does it empower those I’m in relationship with? Does it make me or us more effective? Is it creative and life-affirming? Or impoverishing and life-diminishing?
Reframe.
Reflecting on your stories can loosen their hold on you. This creates an opening to reframe—which is literally choosing a different (even if only slightly) story. Reframing is possible when you realize that there are multiple narratives with truth to them, and that you really do have a choice of which narrative you want to create from. And that a worthwhile gauge of a good choice is what is most empowering to yourself AND others in any particular circumstance. And by empowering, I mean it enhances your power to create the experience and impact you want to have.
Respond.
To close the loop, let your new narrative guide your behavior. Let your words and actions be an appropriate response to the narrative you’re holding.
With attention, commitment, and practice, you can 1) see your narratives and how the lens they create impacts how you interact with your world; and 2) choose narratives about yourself and your world that empower you to create the experience and impact you want to have in life.
Questions to ponder, and if you have a journaling practice, to write about…
Bring to mind a situation that’s not going as well as you’d like.
What have you been saying to yourself about that situation, or about yourself in that situation, or about someone else?
How is your narrative impacting your experience?
Is there a more empowering narrative you could hold?
What difference would holding a different narrative make in your actions and/or experience?
More in the Power Pathways Series…
The Stories We Tell Ourselves is the ninth in a series of posts exploring a compass-like wheel of twelve “power pathways”—avenues for expressing our power to be the creators and authors of our lives.
Read the whole series here →
Here’s the full wheel, connected conceptually and practically to radical responsibility and the four cardinal disciplines of conscious leadership – inspiration, integrity, courage, and clarity.
